Delusion or hope?
It seems it was all premature hope.
I thought –after a year of taking Prozac– my depression and other afflictions were no longer going to be as strong.
Prozac had managed to weaken the afflictions to the point where I began to wean off the drug earlier than expected.
I was amazed at the fact that the rampant OCD and the heavy depression were slowly but effectively weakened by taking Prozac…I truly did not expect to stop drowning.
Less than 4 years later, I noticed depression and afflictions were creeping up on me.
As Summer(2024) was barely getting started, I could start hearing the snake’s hissing, and it was no longer debatable…I knew depression had made a comeback.
I found an old bottle of Wellbutrin and made the decision to take the medicine without consulting any psychiatrist or any medical professional. A few weeks later I began the process to make it formal, and now I am back on a prescription after being approved by a psychiatrist.
I am now going to regularly be taking Prozac and Wellbutrin…who knows for how long.
Depression managed to slither back into my life.
Why does it feel shameful to experience depression? – especially when it might have been a heritable trait I did not choose?
Why does it feel “weak” to take medicine?
I was against taking medicine for a long time, mainly due to being skeptical and seeing the industry as a greed machine…which it is. But medicine has its place and it is real- it alters chemistry in our body that might help some people. For other people it will be a hit-and-miss game, and they will take years to find something that might work.
It’s a dangerous game, but so is a suicidal mindset.
The risk to try medicine is worth it when other options have been exhausted.
May 28, 2024.
Constricted by a disease that spread via prenatal bites;
depression spread out in the womb to try and choke me before I was able to take my first breath.
Denial was the boiling pot I fell in, gradually getting skinned until the pain awakened me.
Drugs blunted the fangs after a while, but it turns out…drop by drop…the venom was falling on me from a corner I did not see… even when I thought I had checked the blindspots.
When I thought I had freed myself from the asphyxiating grasp,
the viper struck, and I was not able to move fast enough to avoid it.
I feel like I will be in an eternal war with a cowardly entity that wants to consume me.
